Tuesday, March 1, 2016

A Very Late Feelgood Friday!

Sorry it’s taken me so long to repost this here!  I originally posted this on Friday :-P

Here's a first time post of a #FeelgoodFriday!  So, this is just another picture of a chick in her underpants (and super cute lace crop top bralet thingy thank you very much) to grace Facebook like thousands of others, but, it's not.

This weight loss journey has been a long and hard one (giggity).  And the mental is just as tough as the physical.  This picture is scary.  Like, shit your pants and hide under the covers like a five year old during a thunderstorm scary.  I posted one before, a little while back, and I was in shorts and a sports bra, but I feel especially exposed in this one.  Which is why I'm posting it.

I feel exposed cause after losing so much weight, I find myself far harder on myself.  I find myself more critical, more hateful, more hurtful to myself.  What wasn't a problem before is a problem now.  Oh hey stretch marks!  Nice to see ya hanging around lose skin (ba-dum-TISS...get it...HANGING around cause it's...skin...yeah).  And I found myself hating my body more than ever.  I was becoming neurotic about exercise and counting calories, to the point where I felt like I was slipping into unhealthy behaviors in the opposite direction...like when I was in highschool again giving my senior friends money to buy me diet pills and not sleeping and eating direction.  But I saw it, and I saw it was heading that way, and I knew I had to get my head back in check and refocus.

Focus on being healthy.  Focus on giving my body good nutrition and fuel and exercising in healthy amounts and not living a life glued to the scale and constantly afraid.  Don't get me wrong, keeping track of progress is great, staying on top of shit and being aware is great, but obsessing about it and what the numbers say, and "OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF I ATE A COOKIE, I WANT TO DIE", can and WILL drive you insane.

I feel like my head is back on track again.  I've been resetting and refocusing on what I put in my body to give it the nutrition and the fuel it needs to keep progressing and to going on my journey.  It's not even about weight loss anymore.  It's about losing fat, and gaining muscle and energy and strength.  I started a new nutritional system over a month ago and it has really made me feel amazing!  It has given me new motivation and drive!

Feeling good physically helps to keep your head in check too!  And while, I see things I don't like...like a lot of things haha...I have made PROGRESS.  I have worked really, really hard and I am proud of how far I have come.  And I will continue to be proud of the skin I am in now and as I progress in the future.  It's the only body I have, and I've put it through a lot.  And it deserves to feel loved and appreciated for all it has carried me through .

So there you guys go!  I hope you all are feeling good this Friday and if not, I hope you are taking steps to help your mind and body feel better.  Cause everyone deserves to love themselves 😘.

Also, I can't be serious taking a mirror underwear pic, COME ON, I'm so lame hahaha...super cute bralet is cute thoughhhhhh

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Night Time Thoughts

Tonight, I went running after work. And I ran hard, and I ran fast, and I hurt. I ache and I'm sore and I'm tired and...I hurt.
But that's nothing new.
I hurt everyday. I hurt because I grow and pain is growth. Whether it's a simple as you workout, you lift, you skate, you run, you tear your muscles, they heal, they grow. Or as complex as you exercise your mind and spirit, you dig deep inside yourself, dig up things you never wanted to see again, you hurt, you heal, you grow.
We are all seedlings. Planted in unstable and unfair soil. Left to find our own paths towards the light. We reach a point, we break through the cold and unfeeling earth, and we see that light for the first time. That potential that exists in all of us, and we want more. We spend the rest of our forevers reaching toward the light. We get trampled and stepped on. We face monsoons and dry spells. We become broken and crippled and bent and are never the same. But we keep reaching. Because if we don't, we will cease to exist. We keep reaching because we have to. We have to nurture the mind, body, and heart. Defeat is not an option. To stop growing is the definition of death. It's why we are surrounded everyday by the living dead. Upright, erect, and breathing. It takes more to live than simply being alive.
Make it worth it. Keep reaching. Never stop growing. There will always be a light, and maybe we will never reach it, but it is the struggle and the sacrifice we make just to even get close that makes it worth it. That shapes who we are and it gives us something to push against, to fight for, and helps us find our own meaning against the landscape of cold, indifferent stars.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Old Friends

Tonight, as most Friday nights, has been filled with the people and things that bring me great joy, and yet, I can't help but feel an oppressive and melancholy presence lingering over my heart. So, I'm going to ramble, and ramble, and ramble some more, as you do when your brain is leaking a thousand thoughts a minute in the wee hours of a Saturday morning...

My mind is gravitating to ideas and perception of pain and how we humans see it and view it. It's something most of us deal with on a daily basis to some degree or another. Heart break, chronic illness, a paper cut, death. Physical and emotional alike. And it makes me think about my own perception of pain. I feel pain every day. Physical pain from past injuries, joint problems, medical conditions, arthritis, general soreness from destroying my body to save my soul, as well as the emotional pain felt when coping with the burden of loses, mistakes, wrong-doings, regrets, betrayal, love. At times, I wonder if we only exist to feel the pain from the experience of living. I see so many people fighting against pain, taking pills to make their bodies hurt less, to make their hearts hurt less. Miracle cures, self-help aids, remedies, tricks and potions, all in the hopes of numbing or eliminating the pain.

I say, embrace it.
I say, don't you dare deprive yourself of experiencing your sadness, your fear, and yes, your pain.

I could not fathom an existence without pain. When I wake up in the morning, it's always there to greet me. An old friend. We've become very familiar because I do not fear him, I welcome him. I even thank him. Cause without that pain, I would not be who I am today. He reminds me of what I have sacrificed, what I have survived, and the pieces of myself I have given up to make room for him. He is ALWAYS there. Sometimes as a gentle whisper lingering in my ear. Other times as a symphony echoing through every corridor of my mind; but one way or another, there he is, reminding me of what has been and what can be. He reminds me that I am stronger than I ever really knew and that we are not meant to make it through this journey pure, clean, and unscathed. He reminds me to be kind, for I know he is with all those around me in one form or another; they might not have learned to accept him and tame him yet and I should be empathetic and sympathetic to their unknown plights. He reminds me to be gentle, for others may not have been hardened by him as I have and we should all tread gently on the hearts of strangers. Most of all he reminds me of what the future holds because over time with great joy also comes great sorrow and he has taught me to enjoy the beauty and wonders we are given because we are mortal. Everything in one sense or another has to expire eventually, when it does he will be there, to pick me up and remind me I've done this before and I have come out the other side, because the moment I allow him to overtake and completely consume me, will be the moment I cease to exist.

So I look him in the eyes every...single...day. I say hello. I acknowledge him, give him attention, make it known that I have not forgotten, a memorial to all the pieces of myself he has claimed, a morning ritual if you will, and I move on. He doesn't haunt me cause he knows I am not running from him. He is a demon who I have looked in the eyes and challenged head on. I haven't won, I don't know if I ever will, but I will gladly take a stalemate. We can walk hand in hand, take this journey together. My friend, my companion. I honestly am not sure I could exist without you. I owe you my life, my soul, my essence of humanity, myself. My beautiful friend. My mentor. My muse.

To feel pain is to feel alive. To feel pain is to remember you're alive. Sometimes we all need reminders we are mortals of flesh and bone and blood. We will die. We are creatures of frailty and resilience. Our minds capable of overcoming our bodies. Our memories of heartache and loss are our trophies because we would not appreciate, nay, we would not fully understand the absolute, unequivocal wonder of joy, happiness, and love without the inevitable reality of the pain and emptiness it causes when it's no longer there.

People tell me I am a happy person. A positive person. I like to think people aren't happy or sad people. People aren't good or bad people. People are just people; complex organisms of organic material and strange energy that can not be completely explained. We watch each other decay every single day. We feel driven to give our lives meaning and purpose and have constructed elaborate moral compasses to instill senses of right and wrong where there was once only instinct and primal natures. We have somehow figured out how to take control of our own evolution, raising our self-awareness to incredible heights, but still don't understand or fully grasp the vast spectrum of human emotions and what exactly drives us to do what we do. I have not the capacity to be a happy or sad person because I am both and neither and so much more. I like to think I'm well adjusted and have a decent understanding of my own humanity and what that means in the sense that I accept that I will probably never truly know. What I do know is that I will feel everything with everything I am. That when I feel it will start at my toes and reach up and out through the messy strands of my hair. I will feel it in the marrow of my bones, the cracks of my joints, the spaces in between my teeth. When it's gone my whole body will ache for it, long for it. Everything with in me will scream for it and beg for it. All I will be left with is the scar, the vacant space in my heart, the missing air from my lungs, the trauma of the human experience. And my old friend will be there. He will take my hand and say “look, look at what I have given you, remember this. Remember me. Remember what you had. Remember what you are. Never forget.” I will truly understand the magic and beauty of living, because I have opened my heart to what pain and fear have to teach me.

But that's just how I see it. On night's where I sometimes wish I could maybe, finally be truly alone he reminds me why I can't, but most importantly, why I wouldn't really want to anyway. And I smile, cause I have found peace with my demons and have learned how to coexist with my humanity. It is a happiness I welcome and one I have earned. A quiet, desolate joy.

Nights like this are made for tea and memories.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

South Jersey Weekend with Calabrese and Tia. RIP Spock, and Small Update! *pic heavy*

Hey guys!  So I had sooooo much fun this weekend and there is so much to tell I decided to post a blog about it just so I could fit it all in!

So Friday I packed way too much for only spending a night at my lovely Tia's place and made the trek down the shore.  I don't go down the shore that much.  Though after this trip, I think I might be there far more frequently.  It was warm...er...warmish on the drive down, so much so that I had the window cracked.  I've really become an expert at the Garden State Parkway.  And the quaint little speed limit signs that say "45mph," what a lovely suggestion *as everyone does at least 80mph past them*.  But in all seriousness it was only about an hour and a half drive, not bad at all!

I was reunited with my beloved #GothFriendForever.  For those of you who don't know Tia, I love her and she is wonderful.  Former 78s freshmeat and still amazing person we have bonded over things like music and attractive men and fitness and the occult...you know, normal girl talk.  But she makes my heart happy and the fact that she is so far away makes us both sad every day of our lives.  So we treasure these reunions.  We FINALLY got to exchange christmas presents and to our collective pleasant surprise we both hand made each other's gifts.  I had forgot to take a pic, but I had hand painted a wine glass for her in black and various purples.  And she had made me a very special and personalized box.  Oh did I mention she does awesome wood burning?  Oh no?  OK!  Well, she does and you guys should check out Wyrd Wood for he beautiful creations.  Anyway, she had made me a box and I also bought two necklaces from her.  I kinda love them very much.

Really, really beautiful right?!  I love them.  She also has some sets of ruins available RIGHT NOW.  I want to get myself a set of those as well when I have the money.  She'll also do custom work so hit her up for any ideas!

After catching up and screaming like little girls over our goodies and just finally being together at last, we got ready for the show.  And after that....obligatory selfies together, naturally.

And of course I tried to get decent pictures of my hair and makeup for the evening.

Tia wanted to take me to have the best ice cream I have ever had in my life so before the show we stopped at a place called Sundaes.  She had spoken of a magical, mythical creation known as a cannoli sundae.  Now, there are few things I love more in this world than cannolis (and cheesecake and ice cream), so I couldn't imagine such a thing even existing.  It would be far too beautiful for this world.  But it does.  You can get any flavor ice cream they have and the mix it with cannoli cream and pieces of cannoli shell.  I had to see it to believe it.  We got some insane chocolate Devil Dog Dick Titty Bitch (I believe that is the correct name for it, at least in my mind) ice cream in our sundae and had it topped with chocolate syrup.  And as we sat in the car and devoured it together I thought "How the hell did I lose 100lbs, when shit like this exists in the world."  Then I wondered how I have lived my life without ever eating this before.  And then it reminded me of the cheesecake milkshake I had on Valentine's Day.  God, that milkshake was good.

From there we headed to the show.  I have never been to the Brighton Bar but I would def go there again.  It was a really awesome place!  I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, the lovely and talented Kim Kaos!  I love this bitch, she is fantastic and I wish I saw her face more.

The show itself was really solid!  Lots of awesome bands!  Super excited to see Calabrese and Biters and of course my buds in The Zombie Mafia, but found some new rocking music to check out with Cheap Cigarettes and Murdersmile!  Really dug their sound.  Everyone there was so nice too!  We even made some new friends having some birthday weekend adventures (hiiii Becky and Julie, you guys rock!).  I bought a Calabrese shirt and patch and Tia got a pin.  It was also the first T-shirt I have bought in a small so I actually own a band t-shirt that fits me properly again, yay!  I'm still not used to this whole I-am-not-an-XXL-anymore thing.  It really can be a mind fuck sometimes, but that's a blog for another day.  At the end of the show Davey came up to me and gave me a set list and signed it, it was sooooo awesome and mad cool of him!  Especially since I love collecting set lists, how did he know :-P.  A huge, huge thank you to our new friends Julie and Becky for snagging pictures for us with the guys in the band.  You guys are the best and Becky, I hope you had an AMAZING birthday weekend!

Soooooo much fun!  I took some shitty pictures during the show.  But mine aren't as magical as Julie's but I'll post them anyways!

pics of Calabrese, Biters, TZM, and Cheap Cigarettes
Afterwards we stopped and got food (veggie wrap noms!) and drove around.  We were super ambitious and wanted to go on the beach at night...in the winter...cause you know.  But we got to the beach and sat in her car and ate our food.  But we did drive around Asbury at night, and it was really pretty.  I love Asbury Park in the winter when it looks abandoned.  Probably one of my favorite things in the whole world.

The next day we got up early and went for breakfast in Point Pleasant.  We hit up a cute little diner for breakfast (cause duh, Jersey :-P) and then went for a walk around the main strip.   We found this AMAZING thrift and antique shop filled with so many amazing treasures including a whole cabinet of medical oddities, antiques, and preserved insects.  I wanted everything.  So many amazing old dolls and treasures.  We must have spent at least an hour there and we really didn't ever want to leave.  I took pics of what I bought and the things I wanted that I could afford.  Maybe next time ;-).

these are part of a set of 8 Chinese opera theater puppets from the 1800's. Set was going for $5,000

I can haz?!?!?!


PRETTY please?!?!?!?

My spoils from the journey.

We stopped off in a really awesome spiritual/wicca shop as well and I also stopped in a cafe a got a coconut latte and strawberry oatmeal bar before leaving this wonderful land.  It really was a lovely place.  I can't wait till its warm for beach times and more adventures with my #GothFriendForever...Gogol at the Stone Pony perhaps??? X-D.  After I got home, I dropped off my stuff and headed for my RBBF's house to see her gimpy, broken-footed ass, and give her presents I had gotten for her during thrift times, and play music.  She really liked her gifts.

I was feeling kinda sick last night and felt worse today, so I wound up staying home and have been working on this blog and watching OS Star Trek all day.  I wrote a little tribute to Leonard Nimoy on facebook, so I'll repost it here as well:

"Sick today so wound up calling out of work. So I'm going to be in bed watching Star Trek Original series and the old movies all day and crying my eyes out. Cause Leonard Nimoy is gone. And I love him.
I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon of acting like every celebrity who died was so influential and magical and amazing or to especially act like they have influenced me in some way. But Nimoy IS different. Mr.Spock and Star Trek have inspired generations of kids to take an interest in science and the cosmos. Together they have influenced astornuats, scientists, actors. Spock is probably the most well known element in Star Trek. And as we watched him over the years struggle with the duality of being half human and half vulcan, he showed many of us what it was like to find and embrace our own humanity. He had a long life dispite his health issues, and overcame his own set of personal demons.
So yes, I did cry and am crying over Leonard Nimoy dying. He was a great man. And as the meme has been saying he didn't die, Scotty just beamed him up. And I hope where ever he is Bones is there calling him a green-blooded hobgoblin . #LLAP"
(Still one of my favorite shirts, even though it doesn't fit anymore)
I am currently in the process of setting up a tattoo appointment for something I have been wanting to get for a while and with Mr.Spock's passing, I think the time is right.   

Aside from being sick today and sad, this weekend was pretty rad!  I was so happy to get to go see some amazing music with my amazing friend, eat delicious food, and just be away for a bit.  I have been trying to get back into doing more makeup looks daily so I can feel like a human being again so here are some looks that I have done over the past week or two that I haven't posted on here yet, hope you all enjoy!

just being a goofball in my new shirt my friend got me for VDay!
Thanks for reading everyone!! <3

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Transformation Tuesday! 2/10/15

Hey guys!  Time for another #TransformationTuesday!  I know you guys are probably sick of seeing these so I am sorry!  It's been a wild ride and I know some of you follow me just for this journey.  These past few months have been the hardest of the weightloss.  Its that point where you really start plateauing and you need to make new changes.  The results you want to see are more specific.  For me, I still have weight I want to drop, but a good part of it now it about building up strength and toning and seeing more definition.  So my diet is changing, my exercise routine is changing and the progress is much slower, the weight loss is much slower, so even I need some motivation and positive reinforcement!  But you just have to keep pushing through!  Setting reasonable, attainable goals, and kicking their butts and setting more!  Stay positive, stay strong, and keep pushing.  You can get there.  I can get there!

The pic on the left was in 2012.  Around my heaviest.  I never posted it up cause I hated how I looked in it.  I loved that coat but never wore it because even though it was an XL or a XXL it didn't fit.  But I wore it anyway cause finding clothes was nearly impossible for me at the size and being only 5 feet tall.  The pic on the right is from only a few weeks ago (I know I posted it already, sorry!).  And just seeing them side by side reminds me of how hard I have worked and how far I have come.  To be proud of what I have accomplished and use that to keep reaching for my goals.  Thanks as always for the love and support you guys <3

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Super Quick Update!

Hey guys!  Hope you all have been doing well!  I know, I know I haven't posted much on here I'M TERRIBLE!  UGH!  I have some ideas for upcoming blogs it's just been having the time to sit down and do them!!  But I had some pics I never posted here that I wanted to throw up really quick in case you all missed them on my facebook!  Just some OOTD and FOTD posts, hope you guys enjoy!

Outfit for when I saw Reverend Horton Heat!

Makeup and Hair for RHH!

Makeup for when I saw CK5 and Darrow

Outfit from CK5 and Darrow

Just being a goon :-P

Isn't he cute?!  I painted him for work!
Sorry there isn't anything too exciting to post yet!  I have honestly just been consumed with work.  My phone also broke for about a week so I was off the radar for a bit, but I should be back in full swing now and ready to rock and roll!!!  I have some new health/body issues blogs to post as well as makeup, fashion, and music!  So keep your eyes open guys.  I also need to try and squeeze a VDay look in there somewhere ;-)

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Bloody Valentine Shoot

Hey guys!  So my derby team Psycho 78s Roller Derby are doing and awesome online fundraiser!  If you go to our store http://psycho78s.storenvy.com you can see the cool VDay packages we offer.  Please if you can check it out and pick one up and help us out this year or just spread the word! Part of the pack is an autographed pic of your 78 of choice!  I'm pretty happy with how my pic came out, so here it is as well as a few others I got from the shoot!

Thanks for check it out guys!  I should have some more posts coming in the near future!