A Very Late Feelgood Friday!

Sorry it’s taken me so long to repost this here!  I originally posted this on Friday :-P

Here's a first time post of a #FeelgoodFriday!  So, this is just another picture of a chick in her underpants (and super cute lace crop top bralet thingy thank you very much) to grace Facebook like thousands of others, but, it's not.

This weight loss journey has been a long and hard one (giggity).  And the mental is just as tough as the physical.  This picture is scary.  Like, shit your pants and hide under the covers like a five year old during a thunderstorm scary.  I posted one before, a little while back, and I was in shorts and a sports bra, but I feel especially exposed in this one.  Which is why I'm posting it.

I feel exposed cause after losing so much weight, I find myself far harder on myself.  I find myself more critical, more hateful, more hurtful to myself.  What wasn't a problem before is a problem now.  Oh hey stretch marks!  Nice to see ya hanging around lose skin (ba-dum-TISS...get it...HANGING around cause it's...skin...yeah).  And I found myself hating my body more than ever.  I was becoming neurotic about exercise and counting calories, to the point where I felt like I was slipping into unhealthy behaviors in the opposite direction...like when I was in highschool again giving my senior friends money to buy me diet pills and not sleeping and eating direction.  But I saw it, and I saw it was heading that way, and I knew I had to get my head back in check and refocus.

Focus on being healthy.  Focus on giving my body good nutrition and fuel and exercising in healthy amounts and not living a life glued to the scale and constantly afraid.  Don't get me wrong, keeping track of progress is great, staying on top of shit and being aware is great, but obsessing about it and what the numbers say, and "OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF I ATE A COOKIE, I WANT TO DIE", can and WILL drive you insane.

I feel like my head is back on track again.  I've been resetting and refocusing on what I put in my body to give it the nutrition and the fuel it needs to keep progressing and to going on my journey.  It's not even about weight loss anymore.  It's about losing fat, and gaining muscle and energy and strength.  I started a new nutritional system over a month ago and it has really made me feel amazing!  It has given me new motivation and drive!

Feeling good physically helps to keep your head in check too!  And while, I see things I don't like...like a lot of things haha...I have made PROGRESS.  I have worked really, really hard and I am proud of how far I have come.  And I will continue to be proud of the skin I am in now and as I progress in the future.  It's the only body I have, and I've put it through a lot.  And it deserves to feel loved and appreciated for all it has carried me through ❤.

So there you guys go!  I hope you all are feeling good this Friday and if not, I hope you are taking steps to help your mind and body feel better.  Cause everyone deserves to love themselves 😘.

Also, I can't be serious taking a mirror underwear pic, COME ON, I'm so lame hahaha...super cute bralet is cute thoughhhhhh

Night Time Thoughts

Tonight, I went running after work. And I ran hard, and I ran fast, and I hurt. I ache and I'm sore and I'm tired and...I hurt.

But that's nothing new.

I hurt everyday. I hurt because I grow and pain is growth. Whether it's a simple as you workout, you lift, you skate, you run, you tear your muscles, they heal, they grow. Or as complex as you exercise your mind and spirit, you dig deep inside yourself, dig up things you never wanted to see again, you hurt, you heal, you grow.

We are all seedlings. Planted in unstable and unfair soil. Left to find our own paths towards the light. We reach a point, we break through the cold and unfeeling earth, and we see that light for the first time. That potential that exists in all of us, and we want more. We spend the rest of our forevers reaching toward the light. We get trampled and stepped on. We face monsoons and dry spells. We become broken and crippled and bent and are never the same. But we keep reaching. Because if we don't, we will cease to exist. We keep reaching because we have to. We have to nurture the mind, body, and heart. Defeat is not an option. To stop growing is the definition of death. It's why we are surrounded everyday by the living dead. Upright, erect, and breathing. It takes more to live than simply being alive.

Make it worth it. Keep reaching. Never stop growing. There will always be a light, and maybe we will never reach it, but it is the struggle and the sacrifice we make just to even get close that makes it worth it. That shapes who we are and it gives us something to push against, to fight for, and helps us find our own meaning against the landscape of cold, indifferent stars.

South Jersey Weekend with Calabrese and Tia. RIP Spock, and Small Update! *pic heavy*

Hey guys!  So I had sooooo much fun this weekend and there is so much to tell I decided to post a blog about it just so I could fit it all in!

So Friday I packed way too much for only spending a night at my lovely Tia's place and made the trek down the shore.  I don't go down the shore that much.  Though after this trip, I think I might be there far more frequently.  It was warm...er...warmish on the drive down, so much so that I had the window cracked.  I've really become an expert at the Garden State Parkway.  And the quaint little speed limit signs that say "45mph," what a lovely suggestion *as everyone does at least 80mph past them*.  But in all seriousness it was only about an hour and a half drive, not bad at all!

I was reunited with my beloved #GothFriendForever.  For those of you who don't know Tia, I love her and she is wonderful.  Former 78s freshmeat and still amazing person we have bonded over things like music and attractive men and fitness and the occult...you know, normal girl talk.  But she makes my heart happy and the fact that she is so far away makes us both sad every day of our lives.  So we treasure these reunions.  We FINALLY got to exchange christmas presents and to our collective pleasant surprise we both hand made each other's gifts.  I had forgot to take a pic, but I had hand painted a wine glass for her in black and various purples.  And she had made me a very special and personalized box.  Oh did I mention she does awesome wood burning?  Oh no?  OK!  Well, she does and you guys should check out Wyrd Wood for he beautiful creations.  Anyway, she had made me a box and I also bought two necklaces from her.  I kinda love them very much.

Really, really beautiful right?!  I love them.  She also has some sets of ruins available RIGHT NOW.  I want to get myself a set of those as well when I have the money.  She'll also do custom work so hit her up for any ideas!

After catching up and screaming like little girls over our goodies and just finally being together at last, we got ready for the show.  And after that....obligatory selfies together, naturally.

And of course I tried to get decent pictures of my hair and makeup for the evening.

Tia wanted to take me to have the best ice cream I have ever had in my life so before the show we stopped at a place called Sundaes.  She had spoken of a magical, mythical creation known as a cannoli sundae.  Now, there are few things I love more in this world than cannolis (and cheesecake and ice cream), so I couldn't imagine such a thing even existing.  It would be far too beautiful for this world.  But it does.  You can get any flavor ice cream they have and the mix it with cannoli cream and pieces of cannoli shell.  I had to see it to believe it.  We got some insane chocolate Devil Dog Dick Titty Bitch (I believe that is the correct name for it, at least in my mind) ice cream in our sundae and had it topped with chocolate syrup.  And as we sat in the car and devoured it together I thought "How the hell did I lose 100lbs, when shit like this exists in the world."  Then I wondered how I have lived my life without ever eating this before.  And then it reminded me of the cheesecake milkshake I had on Valentine's Day.  God, that milkshake was good.


From there we headed to the show.  I have never been to the Brighton Bar but I would def go there again.  It was a really awesome place!  I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, the lovely and talented Kim Kaos!  I love this bitch, she is fantastic and I wish I saw her face more.

The show itself was really solid!  Lots of awesome bands!  Super excited to see Calabrese and Biters and of course my buds in The Zombie Mafia, but found some new rocking music to check out with Cheap Cigarettes and Murdersmile!  Really dug their sound.  Everyone there was so nice too!  We even made some new friends having some birthday weekend adventures (hiiii Becky and Julie, you guys rock!).  I bought a Calabrese shirt and patch and Tia got a pin.  It was also the first T-shirt I have bought in a small so I actually own a band t-shirt that fits me properly again, yay!  I'm still not used to this whole I-am-not-an-XXL-anymore thing.  It really can be a mind fuck sometimes, but that's a blog for another day.  At the end of the show Davey came up to me and gave me a set list and signed it, it was sooooo awesome and mad cool of him!  Especially since I love collecting set lists, how did he know :-P.  A huge, huge thank you to our new friends Julie and Becky for snagging pictures for us with the guys in the band.  You guys are the best and Becky, I hope you had an AMAZING birthday weekend!

Soooooo much fun!  I took some shitty pictures during the show.  But mine aren't as magical as Julie's but I'll post them anyways!

pics of Calabrese, Biters, TZM, and Cheap Cigarettes

Afterwards we stopped and got food (veggie wrap noms!) and drove around.  We were super ambitious and wanted to go on the beach at night...in the winter...cause you know.  But we got to the beach and sat in her car and ate our food.  But we did drive around Asbury at night, and it was really pretty.  I love Asbury Park in the winter when it looks abandoned.  Probably one of my favorite things in the whole world.

The next day we got up early and went for breakfast in Point Pleasant.  We hit up a cute little diner for breakfast (cause duh, Jersey :-P) and then went for a walk around the main strip.   We found this AMAZING thrift and antique shop filled with so many amazing treasures including a whole cabinet of medical oddities, antiques, and preserved insects.  I wanted everything.  So many amazing old dolls and treasures.  We must have spent at least an hour there and we really didn't ever want to leave.  I took pics of what I bought and the things I wanted that I could afford.  Maybe next time ;-).

these are part of a set of 8 Chinese opera theater puppets from the 1800's. Set was going for $5,000

I can haz?!?!?!

Please?!?!

PRETTY please?!?!?!?

My spoils from the journey.

We stopped off in a really awesome spiritual/wicca shop as well and I also stopped in a cafe a got a coconut latte and strawberry oatmeal bar before leaving this wonderful land.  It really was a lovely place.  I can't wait till its warm for beach times and more adventures with my #GothFriendForever...Gogol at the Stone Pony perhaps??? X-D.  After I got home, I dropped off my stuff and headed for my RBBF's house to see her gimpy, broken-footed ass, and give her presents I had gotten for her during thrift times, and play music.  She really liked her gifts.

I was feeling kinda sick last night and felt worse today, so I wound up staying home and have been working on this blog and watching OS Star Trek all day.  I wrote a little tribute to Leonard Nimoy on facebook, so I'll repost it here as well:

"Sick today so wound up calling out of work. So I'm going to be in bed watching Star Trek Original series and the old movies all day and crying my eyes out. Cause Leonard Nimoy is gone. And I love him.

I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon of acting like every celebrity who died was so influential and magical and amazing or to especially act like they have influenced me in some way. But Nimoy IS different. Mr.Spock and Star Trek have inspired generations of kids to take an interest in science and the cosmos. Together they have influenced astornuats, scientists, actors. Spock is probably the most well known element in Star Trek. And as we watched him over the years struggle with the duality of being half human and half vulcan, he showed many of us what it was like to find and embrace our own humanity. He had a long life dispite his health issues, and overcame his own set of personal demons.

So yes, I did cry and am crying over Leonard Nimoy dying. He was a great man. And as the meme has been saying he didn't die, Scotty just beamed him up. And I hope where ever he is Bones is there calling him a green-blooded hobgoblin . #LLAP"

(Still one of my favorite shirts, even though it doesn't fit anymore)

I am currently in the process of setting up a tattoo appointment for something I have been wanting to get for a while and with Mr.Spock's passing, I think the time is right.   

Aside from being sick today and sad, this weekend was pretty rad!  I was so happy to get to go see some amazing music with my amazing friend, eat delicious food, and just be away for a bit.  I have been trying to get back into doing more makeup looks daily so I can feel like a human being again so here are some looks that I have done over the past week or two that I haven't posted on here yet, hope you all enjoy!

just being a goofball in my new shirt my friend got me for VDay!

Thanks for reading everyone!! <3

Super Quick Update!

Hey guys!  Hope you all have been doing well!  I know, I know I haven't posted much on here I'M TERRIBLE!  UGH!  I have some ideas for upcoming blogs it's just been having the time to sit down and do them!!  But I had some pics I never posted here that I wanted to throw up really quick in case you all missed them on my facebook!  Just some OOTD and FOTD posts, hope you guys enjoy!

Outfit for when I saw Reverend Horton Heat!

Makeup and Hair for RHH!

Makeup for when I saw CK5 and Darrow

Outfit from CK5 and Darrow

Just being a goon :-P

Isn't he cute?!  I painted him for work!

Sorry there isn't anything too exciting to post yet!  I have honestly just been consumed with work.  My phone also broke for about a week so I was off the radar for a bit, but I should be back in full swing now and ready to rock and roll!!!  I have some new health/body issues blogs to post as well as makeup, fashion, and music!  So keep your eyes open guys.  I also need to try and squeeze a VDay look in there somewhere ;-)

Personal Update and Randomness

So I posted a blog all ready to start posting shit up every week, but then life happened and I didn't get a chance to.  Honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot to report!  I only over the past week or so started to feel better from being sick.  I'm really, really happy to be done with all of that.  I didn't really do any new looks between being sick and working.  However, I've come up with a lot of new ideas for makeup concepts and series I REALLY wanna do this year, I just need to get supplies cause some of the fx looks I don't have exactly what I need, but they are really cool in my head and I hope to get some out to you all soon.  I also want to do a blog about my skin care routine.  I get a lot of questions as to how I take care of my skin and what I use, so I think it would be a good first review for my newly revamped blog!

I've really just been focusing on my days off on cleaning and getting rid of some old clutter.  I have some clothes and shoes I want to post up to sell and want to see what else I can find.  I need to organize my craft area so I can start FINALLY making and selling stuff online.  I have sooooo much fake hair for dreads, I just need to bang out some sets and get them up online for you all to check out.  Just trying to maximize my tiny space and figure out how to make some extra cash, aren't we all though?  That's why I haven't done any new looks on my days off either just trying to get everything back in order from being in chaos over the holidays and sick times.  I have been doing SOME crafting though, some stenciling and patch making.

I was even thinking of maybe doing a DIY tutorial on stenciling, or at least how I do it.  It's a lot of fun and you don't have to be crazy good at drawing or painting to do it!  I did make most of these patches, but the Silent Horror and Alien Sex Fiend patches are the only ones I actually hand painted.  I did the Blitzkid one as a transfer and the Misfits patch is older than dirt I don't remember where I got it lol.  I really need to get more used to my sewing machine.  I hand-sewed all these so far, but I like the rough look of hand-sewing, especially the obvious different thread color.  I just need to order more spikes for the coat and we'll be set.  I used most of them up on my Bad Whoremoans vest.

Even though my exercise had to take a back seat while I was sick, I was really happy that I was able to pick right off where I left off in my running program.  I've been really proud of myself for sticking to a routine with it again.  My body has gotten used to waking up at 6am to workout before the day begins.  I love getting it done in the morning so I don't have to worry about squeezing it in and it just makes you feel energized and ready to kick ass!  I had an awesome moment the other day where I ran for 20 minutes straight.  That might not seem like a lot to some people, but for someone who never thought in a million years they could ever run more than a minute, it was a pretty spectacular feeling.  Been getting back into strength training again.  Since I started running I have neglected it, but now I'm working on getting back into it.  I also got my hands on the Insanity workouts which I'm planning to start soon.  I think it will be good for working on different cardio endurance and will also help with my strength training, wish me luck haha!  I have also been making some significant changes to my eating habits but I will post a new blog with a whole fitness update at a later time when my new changes have settled in.  I still have more weight to drop, but I def think I've lost enough that I will start to really see more muscle definition.  It's an absolutely insane feeling to see your body changing before your eyes and looking in the mirror and seeing a completely different person, but that too is a blog for another day (and it will be :P)

I will hopefully be getting my hands on a decent video camera again soon and when I do I will be recording another uke video!  I have a few songs I've been itching to record and post but have been holding off till I get a better camera.  I hope you guys dig them.  The more I post and the more feedback I get the more confidence it gives me to post!  I am supper happy you guys have dug what I have put out so far and I hope to only get better and better.  I have been really thinking about starting up some kind of musical project this year.  I have a bunch of ideas running through my head and when I think about them it makes me really happy.  I just got to sit down and write them and figure out how to approach them.  So we shall see what comes of those.

I DO have some exciting stuff coming up!  A couple of really great shows this month and working on a really awesome music video doing hair and makeup which I am very excited about.  Been dying to get a new tattoo and I have a killer idea, as soon as I get some extra cash you bet I'll have something new to show you!

Something I had posted in my New Year's blog was about writing more.  And I have some scribbles here and there but I don't have anything crazy new.  I've been going through a lot of old stuff seeing what I want to keep, seeing if there is anything I want to re-work, and I found this.  I wrote this in 2008 or 2009 so it's pretty old, but it's something I still kinda like (which is amazing cause I usually end up hating almost everything I write) so I want to share it again.  I had gotten the idea for it from a writing prompt online at like 2 or 3am when I couldn't sleep one night (which is when I wrote MOST of my old shit lol).  I also don't normally write structured poems, so this is definitely different than my normal, stream of consciousness, free-style style haha, which is cool, it's a challenge to write stuff not in your comfort zone.  I know some of you have seen it, but for those of you who haven't here it is:

(I did make this into an image as I figure it would be more difficult to yank plus if it was just re-posted, my site is right on it.  Not because I think it's so good, but I have had trouble with people stealing my work in the past...A LOT.  So if you rip anything I write, I will hunt you down.)

Thanks as always for reading guys!  Much love to you all! <3

New Year, New(ish) Blog, New Goals

Happiest of Newest Years oh blogger verse!  I am back and I hope this time to stay.  It's been awhile since we last spoke and lots has happened but I decided to start fresh, delete everything from this blog previously, revamp it, and start from scratch.  Sorry for the shitty header graphic, I have been without photoshop for some time to make quality looking images soooo, this will have to do for now.

I was never one for resolutions.  More of a "no time like the present" or "if you wanna make a change, what are you waiting for, do it" kinda gals, I wasn't someone who waiting for the new year to jump start me with goals.  This year however almost feels different.  2015 feels like a breath of fresh air.  I rang in the new year in pretty much the most awesome way imaginable - good friends and good music.  Unfortunately, I have also been battling being sick since before Christmas Eve.  As my sickness dissipates and I am slowly on the road to recovery (knock on wood), I've used my time immobile as a chance to kick start this blog again, so even the shittiest situations have their silver linings.

Picture break!

(Doom and I before Gogol came on)

(Our adventures around Philly)

(Outfit for the day)

(what better way to ring in the new year than with this handsome fella?!)

So, like I was saying...

I've never been one of those types, but this year feels so much different.  So many aspects of my life are new and shiny again.  It's exciting and scary and different and good.  I wouldn't say I have waited for the new year to jump start progress, but there are some things that I would like to accomplish this year.  Things I would like to focus more on.  I will now share those with you so if they don't actually happen you all can hold me accountable :-P.

1) Blog more!

• Post more makeup looks, more fashion looks, more creative writing.  Try to do more reviews and keep up with posting about fitness related stuff too!  More writing in general!
• Play more/write more music.  I started posting my uke videos and I am hoping to get better at the theremin this year so we shall see where that goes.  
• Take more pics.  I got away from taking pictures last year and I'd like to get back into.  And also not settle for taking shitting pictures of my work or looks.  I'm looking into getting a better phone so when that IS my only option I still have a decent camera at hand *hopes for iphone 6 plus*

2) After I lose 100lbs, Keep going!

• To continue on my fitness journey full steam ahead.  I have more I wanna lose and I don't wanna get complacent!  
• Run a 5k with my friend Tia!
• Tone up more.  I wanna see some more definition!
• Keep running.  
• Find new activities to try.
• Really focus in on eating clean and eating nutritious food to fuel the body and mind.
• Skate more.  Get faster.  Hit harder.  Be the best skater I've ever been and show people that even though I'm half of my physical self, I'm twice the skater I have been.

3) Make Art

• More makeup looks!  More creative!  More ideas!  More mediums!  Make all the art with out apologies.
• Make more hair pieces.  I miss making dreads and hair extensions!
• Like I mentioned before make more music.  Write more songs/poetry/whatever. 

• Work on more collaborative projects.  Photo and video shoots, internet collabs, whatever comes along just do more!

(first selfie of  2015)

I hope you guys will join me on another year.  Those of you who have supported since "The Myspace Days" (as silly as that sounds) have meant so much to me.  I have met and talked to so many amazing people because of social networking and the internet it really makes me grateful that I DO live in a time of thriving technology.  And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and appreciate ALL of you who support me new and old, but those of you who have seen my ups, downs, and transformation as an artist and as a person, you are all wonderful. I made my first social networking profile when I was 13 years old and some of you have been here ever since then.  My awkward teen years, my awkward club kid/candy kid years, my angsty gothy years, and now, you've seen them all.  Thank you for sticking with me for over a decade now.  Wow....a fucking decade.  A decade of decadence and ugly things!  

Here's to even bigger and better things in 2015!  I hope they're dead things....I like dead things.